I see

I have been taking this beautiful, writing workshop, aptly titled “writing from your chakras” for nearly a month now. Each week we work with one chakra or energy center within our etheric bodies and attempt to unblock the creative energy within each one of them for the purpose of writing . This week was for us to work with the Ajna or third eye chakra. I intended to do a freewrite right after the meditation, but the meditation brought back memories from a conversation with a dear friend, that I have tried to encapsulate in this piece. 

I see a little girl when I look into the mirror today, that little girl is Me, Tina K. I wonder if she is the child in me or is it me as a child, one who has never grown up.  I always see this little girl when I am feeling lost, hurt and needy. She shows me that while I think I might have grown up; there are parts of me that want to still hide under the bed to get away from all that I am afraid of seeing.  The only difference are the sizes and nature of my tormentors, the dominating older sister is now replaced by my dominating mother in law who believes that I am only just a caretaker, of her grown up son, one whom she has so painstakingly moulded to become the fine person that he is. My husband is version 2 of the school bully, who had meticulously shredded my self-confidence all through my school years and which I had taken about 10 years to rebuild, only to be hurt by the shards of my broken self-esteem, as it hit the walls of a loveless & difficult marriage.

What I don’t see is the pain in the eyes of the adult face, my face, which now looks back at me, maybe that is because my right eye is swollen from the beating, last night. I had dared to correct my top B-school pass out husband, in front of his friends. Of course, I am going to use the best MAC concealer to hide the bruising, and laugh my unhappy laugh as I will explain to my colleagues, how careless I was to have bumped into the door, Again. I wonder, if they are able to see right through my lies? Perhaps they don’t, because if they do, I wonder why none of them have come forward to confront me and my lies. Well, maybe if they did, they wouldn’t have any more office cooler gossips to break their office monotony. You ask, why I don’t tell my parents or family about all of this and I could tell you that they wouldn’t understand, but that’s not true at all. It’s what I have seen in their eyes, on those occasions that I have gone to meet them with the marks on my face, and when they have lowered their eyes and pretended to see right through me. I see in their eyes, both the understanding and the pain, but it’s overshadowed by the shame that addressing the questions in my eyes would bring to them. So we decide to not see the obvious.

As I look into the mirror, I see how all the characters in my life’s story are blind like me, afraid to see the truth of mine or their own lives. Even though they can see, they shut their eyes for fear of being judged and ridiculed. I don’t see myself anymore, I am invisible to myself, all I see in the mirror are the many faces of the characters that I play- wife, daughter-in-law, sister friend, but right now the face looking back at me is that of a broken woman, who is asking me to help her find herself and happiness once again, She wants me to remember how beautiful life used to be. I look back at her and softly say “I am sorry”.

My make-up is done, the concealer and the kohl have both filled  the cracks on my face, I look good once again, I put the bindi near my third eye, in my case this bindi is the dot, the full stop, to all my dreams and it’s me telling myself to stop dreaming. I take a step back and look at myself full length, the bags are packed, I am headed to the hospital, praying that my unborn child is a boy, not because that would make my mother-in-law happy, its only because, I don’t want to see another woman looking at herself in a similar mirror and applying a concealer around her swollen eyes twenty years later. Like Mother Like Daughter, that, I absolutely do not want to see.

If I were totally Free

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If I were totally free, I will:

breathe, deeply, consciously and feel the breath revive me from the many many years of being glued to an empty life.

Run and not crawl towards my dreams, , by myself, leaving those from my dreamless past , behind,and not ever feeling guilty about doing that

I will laugh and smile not just with my mouth but with my eyes, for then my soul would be allowed to speak through my eyes.

I will find and use My own Voice, and not speak the language of those around me, the TV, my friends ,my society & my religion.

I will not listen to my ex-lover who thought that I was overweight, undesirable and not so pretty, I would look at myself from my eyes only , which have always told me that I am beautiful  inside out

Travel the world, meet strangers, make friends with some & some would be just acquaintances,

I surround myself with relationships that serve me and not let it be the other way round

I  learn to be forgiving, to myself first and then to those around me, my parents esp. since they were perhaps as bonded to their past as I have been, they didn’t know freedom and power and they could never teach me how to be powerful too. I would make peace with them.

I  love myself totally and completely, with all my flaws , even the darkest shadows of my soul, for those moments took me to places, that eventually freed me from my darker self.

I will flow with my life’s energetic flow, surrendering completely, without feeling like a failure, and drink from the powerful stream of the cosmos, feel the warmth of the sun and sleep unbashedly under the stars

I will plan a lot more and then act upon them, because I won’t fear the outcome, for the outcome does not depend on my boss’s appraisal of me. I am free to express my power to be ME, every day in every moment

I will flirt a little bit more and not pretend to act dumb, in-order for men to find me likeable, I will express my sexuality my way and be comfortable expressing it

I  live in the moment, spend time with my daughter and enjoy it, free from thoughts of her future& my future. I will be the mother that I want to be, not the one I have become

And all this makes me wonder if I can be free, maybe I can, starting with my body & my spirit , I can start experiencing and expressing freedom and then maybe, someday soon,  I will find ways to grow my wings  and fly to all those distant lands, that a free bird  can fly to.