Promise to my Daughter

A long long time ago,a little girl somewhere took her first steps,

She holds the hands of the two people she knows best, one in who she grew , the other who helped her grow

they are her safetynet , her world and then one day they are not

she wonders what she could have done to feel like having both her arms being cut off

there is no balance and  no hands to hold her from falling down

its just her all alone, but she is only just a little girl

she watches as the seasons go by, her “people” grow older and more apart

They ask her to love herself and yet they don’t play their part

she wonders what is true , what she hears or that which she sees

the world is confusing , her friends are happy and she pretends to be too

she heard somewhere “fake it till you make it”

faking to be happy, strong and content even when she cant

she is much older now and has a daughter of her own

And she watches her play in a perfect world, a daughter for whom she is the only safety net,

Hers is the only hand that her daughter can hold, the other person just didn’t care

but she decided then that she was not her lineage or will not be  defined by her past

for she made a promise to herself the day she became a mother

To be the woman she was meant to be, for her little daughter

its easy to be sad, depressed or falter

its so much more difficult to remain a mad hatter

who laughs through her tears, and her fears

who learns to not close her heart to love, because how else can she ever say to her daughter

“Fall in love, open your heart and be in ecstasy”

Make mistakes and grow through them,  so that you can love yourself first and then all others

because you’ll always have someone to watch your back, to walk two steps behind you and to hold your hand

especially when you falter, for that’s the time to return to love, for you and me both

And I promise as we return we are both going to be so much stronger and wiser.

for you’ll be your own saftey net, you wont ever need to wonder

for you will know that you’re stronger than you think, wiser beyond your dreams and that you’ll always fly on angel wings

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To Love or not to Love: that is almost never a question?

Love , is probably the most celebrated word in the human dictionary, perhaps that one English word which joins the whole of the cosmos together…wherever one is , they would probably have used this word to express their feelings to that special person by saying “ I love you”.. LOVE ,The word that has the power to bridge chiasms and creates so many more.

Love gives you the freedom to acknowledge the being that you are and wanting to share your essence with someone else. And yet love or love’s evil twin almost begins to coexist. Love is confusing, it can cause angst, it can make a poet out of the most cynical and yet we all crave to experience that feeling that defies all logic.

Meeting someone, interacting with them, feeling and experiencing togetherness,  for a cynic like Me, I’ve  almost always seen people literally fall in love and fall so deep into the abysss that they almost never rise again. I’ve been making a joke out of the situation for as long as I can remember now, hoping that somehow someone would prove me wrong.. you do meet the occasional “forever in love” couples but then they are like islands .

And then that cynical “Me” happens to meet someone or rather connect with someone and that person makes you laugh, and speak your mind and makes you want to take second chances .

The skeptical “Me” finds herself being a lot more patient and happy and smiling a lot or rather grinning through boring work meetings. She is kinder, lovelier and she glows. Am I then in Love?

By the definition of romantic love, definitely not, but I am in love with myself and the world around me and maybe that’s the kind of love that I have been always been looking for, one that extends beyond the two people to everyone in their orbit.. and that’s the kind of love that I want to fall in..and maybe just maybe , it will also have a fair bit of romance to pep things up.. till then I happy to be still confused J

“Life ” as we dont know it

 life

There are minutes and there are moments and then there’s life between them
A life well lived or one with you have to will yourself to live
It’s difficult to say
I have been managing to hold on to this end of my deal, to live life, to cry through the pain and yet to keep moving
Proving by my life that life is what you make it
But I sit today and wonder if it’s true?
Is life what makes us who we are or do we have a say in the making of us?
Is there free will or do we get a free end of a rope that is tied to the pole of fate?
You can only go as far before life catches you, hold you accountable for your past and your present
I plan, I reminiscence and yet I repeat the patterns of my life
The patterns weaved intrinsically into the fabric of my soul
I wonder where my soul is? is it the muffled voice under the debris of discomfort, pain and anxiety or is it a phenomenon which we try to spend our whole life trying to understand?
I ask these questions more to myself than to a  source , a fictional God, because it seems the source isn’t that resourceful any more
Why else would we be asking questions that have no answers?

I am a woman

free

I am a woman, I am a survivor,  I am a victim, I am happiness , I am sadness, I have dreams both fulfilled and unfillfilled, I am Hope

I am gravity, I am the weeping willow,I am strong at my root and weak in my heart.

I was born not out of love but apathy,I have been living the life of apathy, for its now in my DNA

I am love but I  still crave love,I am complete but not whole

I am the water that waits for the winds to ripple its waters,

For I don’t have the strength to to flow over the boulders and become the stream that I was meant to be,  so I i turn into a stagnant lake

And yet…..

I am hope, I am kindness, I am empathy, I am abundance

I am the the wood on which the weeping willow stands

I am the wind that blows across the lake and causes the ripple

I am both the sun and the moon, night and day, I am Me

I am more than  what I am now

But I still have to be what I am meant to be, the best Myself, the woman that is me

To host or not to host….that is the Question

 

aunty acid

The Big Fat Indian Wedding is not a myth, but of mythological proportions.

In India marriage is not just a family  affair anymore its an extended family and friends affair, the bigger the better. Considering how much we Indians spend on the many aspects of the marriage, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to actually have a pre-marriage couple and the couples family counselling session followed by a visit to the lawyers to sign the Pre-Nup. Considering the diminishing ROI on most marriages these days, what with quickie divorces and separations, these costs are fairly negligible. While the counselling session will check the sanity levels of both the parties, the pre-nup will make sure the sanity is maintained, especially with the clauses on relatives and their visitation rights in the first 5 years of the couple getiing married.

I can already see the aunty’s fluttering their eyelashes and wondering how can someone who is sane even consider going to a therapist or a lawyer. Only sick and crazy people knock silently on the therapists door, not the wise ones, especially those who have made the very wise decision of getting married and taking on the responsibility of not just the spouse but the spouses’s entire family  tree, and that too, not just of  the family branches but the branch-lets too.

Since I am single and  don’t have a significant other to complain about, i’m often approached by my friends who tell me how lucky I am to be single. the reasons range from a crappy mother-in-law, who insists on accompanying the couple everywhere, to a sister-in-law who refuses to stop interfering in her brothers home , even though she’s been married 10 years,etc,etc. But the most common complaint is that of the extended joint family, so while most people might now live in  a nuclear family, the family members visiting them  all the time, don’t make them feel like they are so Nuclear after all. Anybody who has a son or daughter will want to visit you for their offspring’s admissions into a college, or someone falls sick  and pronto your nursing them back to health.  So in essence, they make sure that they get the value for money that they would have probably spent on the wedding gift for you. So most often  it’s the guy’s side of the family and just when you’ve bid them goodbye, someone from the girl’s side is ringing the doorbell. And god forbid if there are kids, who insist on sleeping with the very sweet aunt, the couples love life is non-existent.

what advice can one give a harried friend whose been living this life for the last two months and haven’t a night of good sleep. Well i asked her to pack her bags, scroll through her address book and head out to the  other newly weds  house for a week of  R&R..while she can indulge in some romance, the newly weds will make sure they r well taken care of.. after all even the newly weds need a break from each-other and like one of my aunt says, “after all they have to spend their whole life , looking at each others faces, what difference does it make if we go visit them for 2 weeks”..

Did my friend take the advice? I haven’t had a chance to check with her, after-all even though I am single, I am hosting the branch-lets from my side of the family. Now I get it,why  my friends are  so jealous of my singledom, that’s because, I get to host only my side of the family which leaves me with at least 6 months of ME time..Ahh this benefit of being Single–its priceless

Toon: Courtesy Auntyacid.com

I see

I have been taking this beautiful, writing workshop, aptly titled “writing from your chakras” for nearly a month now. Each week we work with one chakra or energy center within our etheric bodies and attempt to unblock the creative energy within each one of them for the purpose of writing . This week was for us to work with the Ajna or third eye chakra. I intended to do a freewrite right after the meditation, but the meditation brought back memories from a conversation with a dear friend, that I have tried to encapsulate in this piece. 

I see a little girl when I look into the mirror today, that little girl is Me, Tina K. I wonder if she is the child in me or is it me as a child, one who has never grown up.  I always see this little girl when I am feeling lost, hurt and needy. She shows me that while I think I might have grown up; there are parts of me that want to still hide under the bed to get away from all that I am afraid of seeing.  The only difference are the sizes and nature of my tormentors, the dominating older sister is now replaced by my dominating mother in law who believes that I am only just a caretaker, of her grown up son, one whom she has so painstakingly moulded to become the fine person that he is. My husband is version 2 of the school bully, who had meticulously shredded my self-confidence all through my school years and which I had taken about 10 years to rebuild, only to be hurt by the shards of my broken self-esteem, as it hit the walls of a loveless & difficult marriage.

What I don’t see is the pain in the eyes of the adult face, my face, which now looks back at me, maybe that is because my right eye is swollen from the beating, last night. I had dared to correct my top B-school pass out husband, in front of his friends. Of course, I am going to use the best MAC concealer to hide the bruising, and laugh my unhappy laugh as I will explain to my colleagues, how careless I was to have bumped into the door, Again. I wonder, if they are able to see right through my lies? Perhaps they don’t, because if they do, I wonder why none of them have come forward to confront me and my lies. Well, maybe if they did, they wouldn’t have any more office cooler gossips to break their office monotony. You ask, why I don’t tell my parents or family about all of this and I could tell you that they wouldn’t understand, but that’s not true at all. It’s what I have seen in their eyes, on those occasions that I have gone to meet them with the marks on my face, and when they have lowered their eyes and pretended to see right through me. I see in their eyes, both the understanding and the pain, but it’s overshadowed by the shame that addressing the questions in my eyes would bring to them. So we decide to not see the obvious.

As I look into the mirror, I see how all the characters in my life’s story are blind like me, afraid to see the truth of mine or their own lives. Even though they can see, they shut their eyes for fear of being judged and ridiculed. I don’t see myself anymore, I am invisible to myself, all I see in the mirror are the many faces of the characters that I play- wife, daughter-in-law, sister friend, but right now the face looking back at me is that of a broken woman, who is asking me to help her find herself and happiness once again, She wants me to remember how beautiful life used to be. I look back at her and softly say “I am sorry”.

My make-up is done, the concealer and the kohl have both filled  the cracks on my face, I look good once again, I put the bindi near my third eye, in my case this bindi is the dot, the full stop, to all my dreams and it’s me telling myself to stop dreaming. I take a step back and look at myself full length, the bags are packed, I am headed to the hospital, praying that my unborn child is a boy, not because that would make my mother-in-law happy, its only because, I don’t want to see another woman looking at herself in a similar mirror and applying a concealer around her swollen eyes twenty years later. Like Mother Like Daughter, that, I absolutely do not want to see.

My Voice

Speak (The Roches album)
Speak (The Roches album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have an Opinion!

I’ve always had an opinion!

What I don’t have is a Voice

What I NOW need is a Voice, My  Voice,

To say whats on my mind, to share what’s in my heart

Why is it so wrong in my society to have a Voice, to have a mind of ones own? that which is not connected by an invisible umbilical cord to our parents, friends, relatives- The Society

I am stifled and I don’t say a thing..I want to keep PEACE

But how can there be any peace around me when there is war raging within..

I have an opinion and now I have found my voice!!

And finally around me, within me , there is a piece, of the Peace