The Tree with One Leaf

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There was only one leaf left on that tree and yet the tree seemed intent on growing and breathing, how can something so dead still yearn to bloom and live?.. so much like my heart, one that had been broken a million times, most recently a month ago and yet it waited to bloom again, to feel the emotions that I had promised I would never feel again. it takes two people to start a relationship and sometimes just one, to break it, leaving the other person grappling with the why’s and how’s.. this self-inflicted pain grows roots into the very being of one’s existence, memories that you would have thought were boxed in some corner of your mind become so much more brighter and vivid.. you even remember the soft sound of the person’s footsteps, the tone and lilt of their voice becomes sharper and  clearer, much more than when you were with them in that past moment. The touch of their hand on your skin feels warmer and leave a mark not only on the epidermis of your skin ,but it reaches the veins below them too..the visceral pain , the feeling of hopelessness, the pain body engulfs you in ways that only pain that is borne out of love can. And yet, time passes, moments become longer portions of time that you are not constantly thinking about that person, because you realize that every time you’re in pain you’re further from self-love. I realize that the essence of who one is, lies not in duality of being but in the singularity of being with oneself.

just like the tree with the single leaf, you believe that, that one leaf is sign enough that the tree is alive, that there is sap running through its many veins and the roots run deep into the earth, to balance and provide support to the tree which has lost all but that one leaf. Leaflets will grow, maybe in a few days or months but the fact that the tree stands there makes me want to balance myself too. my roots lie in my resilience, my support system, my family and friends . My heart is healing because that’s what people like us do, we use our mind to fix our hearts , by observing and drawing meaning from the tree with that one leaf..

Promise to my Daughter

A long long time ago,a little girl somewhere took her first steps,

She holds the hands of the two people she knows best, one in who she grew , the other who helped her grow

they are her safetynet , her world and then one day they are not

she wonders what she could have done to feel like having both her arms being cut off

there is no balance and  no hands to hold her from falling down

its just her all alone, but she is only just a little girl

she watches as the seasons go by, her “people” grow older and more apart

They ask her to love herself and yet they don’t play their part

she wonders what is true , what she hears or that which she sees

the world is confusing , her friends are happy and she pretends to be too

she heard somewhere “fake it till you make it”

faking to be happy, strong and content even when she cant

she is much older now and has a daughter of her own

And she watches her play in a perfect world, a daughter for whom she is the only safety net,

Hers is the only hand that her daughter can hold, the other person just didn’t care

but she decided then that she was not her lineage or will not be  defined by her past

for she made a promise to herself the day she became a mother

To be the woman she was meant to be, for her little daughter

its easy to be sad, depressed or falter

its so much more difficult to remain a mad hatter

who laughs through her tears, and her fears

who learns to not close her heart to love, because how else can she ever say to her daughter

“Fall in love, open your heart and be in ecstasy”

Make mistakes and grow through them,  so that you can love yourself first and then all others

because you’ll always have someone to watch your back, to walk two steps behind you and to hold your hand

especially when you falter, for that’s the time to return to love, for you and me both

And I promise as we return we are both going to be so much stronger and wiser.

for you’ll be your own saftey net, you wont ever need to wonder

for you will know that you’re stronger than you think, wiser beyond your dreams and that you’ll always fly on angel wings

To Love or not to Love: that is almost never a question?

Love , is probably the most celebrated word in the human dictionary, perhaps that one English word which joins the whole of the cosmos together…wherever one is , they would probably have used this word to express their feelings to that special person by saying “ I love you”.. LOVE ,The word that has the power to bridge chiasms and creates so many more.

Love gives you the freedom to acknowledge the being that you are and wanting to share your essence with someone else. And yet love or love’s evil twin almost begins to coexist. Love is confusing, it can cause angst, it can make a poet out of the most cynical and yet we all crave to experience that feeling that defies all logic.

Meeting someone, interacting with them, feeling and experiencing togetherness,  for a cynic like Me, I’ve  almost always seen people literally fall in love and fall so deep into the abysss that they almost never rise again. I’ve been making a joke out of the situation for as long as I can remember now, hoping that somehow someone would prove me wrong.. you do meet the occasional “forever in love” couples but then they are like islands .

And then that cynical “Me” happens to meet someone or rather connect with someone and that person makes you laugh, and speak your mind and makes you want to take second chances .

The skeptical “Me” finds herself being a lot more patient and happy and smiling a lot or rather grinning through boring work meetings. She is kinder, lovelier and she glows. Am I then in Love?

By the definition of romantic love, definitely not, but I am in love with myself and the world around me and maybe that’s the kind of love that I have been always been looking for, one that extends beyond the two people to everyone in their orbit.. and that’s the kind of love that I want to fall in..and maybe just maybe , it will also have a fair bit of romance to pep things up.. till then I happy to be still confused J

I am a woman

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I am a woman, I am a survivor,  I am a victim, I am happiness , I am sadness, I have dreams both fulfilled and unfillfilled, I am Hope

I am gravity, I am the weeping willow,I am strong at my root and weak in my heart.

I was born not out of love but apathy,I have been living the life of apathy, for its now in my DNA

I am love but I  still crave love,I am complete but not whole

I am the water that waits for the winds to ripple its waters,

For I don’t have the strength to to flow over the boulders and become the stream that I was meant to be,  so I i turn into a stagnant lake

And yet…..

I am hope, I am kindness, I am empathy, I am abundance

I am the the wood on which the weeping willow stands

I am the wind that blows across the lake and causes the ripple

I am both the sun and the moon, night and day, I am Me

I am more than  what I am now

But I still have to be what I am meant to be, the best Myself, the woman that is me

Single but Not Lonely

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Being Single is a lifestyle choice, thats what I usually tell my well meaning “attached” friends when they ask me to ” find someone”.. My next question usually is Pray, tell me how does one find someone?

I am a single parent, I work in a full-time job , in a fairly new city, no friends who are my age, and I usually have Home Work to deal with at the end of y day.. don’t get me wrong. I  am not complaining, being single was definitely “MY choice”,  its always better to be alone than being alone in a really bad marriage.. Been there done that..Most days I’m good, the routine of the day keeps me grounded and then I happen to talk or meet a well meaning friend who invariably asks me what I am doing to fix my single status?.. I realize that people often confuse “being alone” with “being lonely”, the latter a state of being that can happen to people who could even be part of a couple, married or otherwise..Ask me and I shall promptly relate stories of how I used to be  someone just like that, I was with someone, living under the same roof, watching the same TV show ,on the same couch ,  sometimes even surrounded by our couple friends around and still experience the extreme depths of loneliness…However, to the outside world I was not alone, to me,  “We “were extremely fine actors, who pretended to be happy because that’s what being in a marriage is supposed to make you feel..

I’m not a born- again feminist,( I don’t think I ever was one ),I am not jaded , I still believe in Love and Romance and Mushy feelings..I still believe in Serendipity  esp. the movie kind of love.. and Shania Twain crooning “you’re still the one”, will still make me a little mushy…I’m only a little more aware of what differentiates all of the above with a sense of neediness..I don’t feel like I am incomplete and I am not looking for a man to Complete me, Complement me, yes sure, but validation is not my thing anymore.. I am happy to be alone, What I no longer want to be is lonely and miserable..

So , I did take my well meaning friends advice and  promptly registered myself on a matrimonial site..sic..but what does one do to connect with people in a busy city, where you’re either at work or home working? Also, if If you are a single mom, who is super cautious and who is juggling full-time work and full-time motherhood,how do you find  a man who is not just looking for a “simple, beautiful, slim and homely girl”?… Any ideas ?? I’m all ears, after all ,I too want to, not be ALONE  🙂

A Cinderella Story….

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In conversation with a BFF and the topic almost always meanders to men or the lack of “suitable men” in our lives.. She is a dreamer and I love her for that, she still believes in fairytales and knights on a white horse or an Audi(interchanging it with the contemporary knight vehicle)….

While a part of me wants to say yes to all the wonderful romantic stuff, the very Capri part of my mind is going”bollocks, there isn’t  anything like ” Happily ever afters” anymore. that .happens only in some ROMCOMS and even, they are getting all practical now… I want to tell my friend “enough”, snap out of it.. Fairytales are just that, tales… We are at an age where no one, just rings the doorbell and enters your home and heart , in that order..guys don’t even open doors for us women anymore..

But , then I wonder,  if is there an age  when us girls  stop believing or living iin fairy tales? Everyday, thousands of  4 year old’s …meets Cinderella and her charming Prince and in a nanosecond , another one of our species bites the dust .Somewhere our girl DNA gets mutated and sends out signals and hormones that makes us never forget what we had read as a child and we refuse to believe otherwise, even the more hardened ones still want to hold on to the magic land of their childhood…I wish there should have been a parallel story track for guys too, maybe then we’d really be equal in this world..

Anyway, I don’t tell me friend to stop dreaming, because her dreams are only about LOVE…the one thing I hear keeps the world going…I see her  become a better person, every time, in order to become the person she wants to meet.. She sure does not want to attract someone who is not as equally loving, sensitive and loving as she is..So maybe fairy tales aren’t such a bad deal, they  make us girls want and be treated as princesses and to never to short sell ourselves when it comes to men.. If only, we remembered that everytime we were in a relationship, and asked ourselves  few Fairytale inspired questions; Do i feel like the princess that I am? does the man have the patience to wait for me, for as long as it takes for me to figure out and my BFF’s  problems ? Is he able to   spend a couple hours a week with my especially since they aren’t as wicked as Cindrella’s step-family?Will he able to love me when my feet get a little bigger coz Ive put on some post pregnancy weight? And also, while staring into eachothers eyes is a lot of fun, can we actually have great conversations and  laugh a lot when we are together? And most importantly, ask yourself “Am I happy to just be “ME”, around him”?  and if the answer is YES then , I guess your fairy tale has just come true, and for the rest of us, its time for us to wait for our “Prince in the Audi”..He cant be that far behind..

Happy “Parents ” Day

“Being a parent is dirty and scary and beautiful and hard and miraculous and exhausting and thankless and joyful and frustrating all at once. It’s everything. (Confessions of a Scary Mommy, Gallery Books 2012).”:― Jill SmoklerConfessions of a Scary Mommy: An Honest and Irreverent Look at Motherhood: The Good, The Bad, and the Scary
And being a single mum, especially in the space I live in, is ” dirtier and scarier and every day is miraculous”.. Exhaustion and joyfulness is perhaps two sides of the same coin ;one which I keep flipping almost a dozen times each day.. It is my everything..

So with a whole lot of days being assigned  and celebrated as  mothers and fathers and grandparents separately, I’m left wondering why we cant just simplify things and have a common”Parents Day”.. You have a kid or you take care of one, YOU ARE A PARENT– real, surrogate , otherwise, it doesn’t really matter, does it? Sometimes the tough dad has to get all mushy and sometimes the gentle mom has to wear daddy’s  boots and holler…

Especially if you’re a single parent, like I am , I find myself changing myself to become mom or dad depending on the situation.. My kid comes back from school and complains of being bullied, so while I’d love to  get a “dad’s” point of view , I realize that I just need to figure out a sensible parents point of view.. What would someone who truly loves the child and wants her to be strong and resilient do? While being the emotional mom that I am, I’d love to just hug her and allay her fears,(which I do, for a while), I know that at the end of the hugging session need to provide her with the tough tools.. While I go and  discuss with the school teacher I also want  my daughter  to learn to stand up for herself, armed with the knowning-ness that I will always have her back.. I often wonder and try figuring out if things would have been different if  there were two parents in her life instead of just one..and then I realize it doesn’t really matter, because what I do realize now looking at all the other parents around , that we all  do the best we can when we are in the deep end and believe that our child and us will eventually reach the shore..

I have had both parents around me, with me,and  in my head all these years, and I love them but ,I dont see the sense of  carving out one special day to wish them, because , in all these years I realize  that they are a team and they mirror each other most of the times.. So I guess I’m just  going to make my own special “Parents Day” and give them and myself , lots of love.

Its now just about choosing the day:).. any ideas?