- First off, being in our 30’s is perhaps the actual coming off – age for most people including me, You get to be so much better at being friends with yourself
- It’s all right to be alone, but it’s NOT OK to get lonely
- Girlfriends are not be forgotten esp., when there is a new boyfriend /manfriend in the picture
- Well, friends are the extended family that you’re blessed with, and it is so important to be one too!
- It definitely takes a village to raise a child; asking for help is good for you and the child
- Being aggressive is a sign of weakness but being assertive is so cool and liberating
- Saying NO, when you feel like it, brings so much peace
- Exercise is so much better than therapy, you get a better hormonal rush and you finally fit- into your old jeans in the process
- Somethings are an effect of our genes, you can’t fight them, like hair fall or the glasses, make peace with them, the other stuff like diabetes and hypertension ,can definitely be gotten over
- You don’t have to be a hypochondriac, or clingy and a needy person to get attention, by this age the last thing you want is too much attention
- Respect other people by giving them their space, don’t compromise on your’ s either, this space allows for growth at many levels
- Write down your feelings , it’s better to get it out on paper, than on someone, there isn’t a delete button which works on memories
- You realize that “parents do understand”
- Life gets as good as you want it to get, your reactions to things pretty much makes it a good one or a bad day/month/year/life
- On some days you will not want to get out of bed, and that’s the day that you do everything possible to get up and do something
- On the days that you feel like you’re e on a rollercoaster , stop and breathe, and then get back on the ride
- That I have only so much of mind space, so it’s important to think about the right things, people and keep only those memories which makes me feel warmer
- That things that for my highest good and which will make me happy will happen to me with the least effort from my end,
- Pushing for things to happen or people to respond does not help, you end up pushing it all away in direct proportion to the level of force applied
- Karma is truly a byproduct of what one does or thinks or feels, so at some point you’re going to have to face the music, and no one will have to tell you, you will know exactly what tune you’re dancing to
- However, sometimes, bad things happen to some good people and it’s better to not overanalyze the why’s but to focus on the “how to feel better” part
- Constantly talking about your problems does not make them go away, if anything, the more you focus on what’s not right, the more it tends to be not right
- Our kids are wiser than they look, they are tiny people, there is so much you can learn from them if only you pay attention
- A hug from a child, a kind word , chai and conversation with a friend, a glass of wine while listening to “Swan Lake”, curling up with a book on a rainy day(or anyday), playing scrabble, running, reading a story with your kid and other such mundane things bring so much joy and peace than an evening spent drinking in a pub
- There is no need for validation from others anymore, on most days , at least, you learn to be your own cheerleader
- You can look at those in their 20’s and get to think ”oh wait till you get to our side of the grass”, it’s definitely much more greener
- You get called re-christened as aunty and you’re no longer “didi” and that can be somewhat of a jolt, but then people assume you’re wiser, so it’s not such a bad deal
- Being employable is important, being self-reliant is even more so
- Sweets and chocolates , basically any carbs will get you through anything, but getting them out of your system gets little more difficult when you’re in your 30’s
- My final learning: this list will change completely by the time I hit my 40’s and I will be totally ok with that too
Words every child would love to hear
If I never say no more, just know that this is all I ever want to say to you.
“I cannot express how proud and loved I am, because of you. Somehow, I feel, you already know.
Today, you may not be old enough to read my words. But in a few years, you will be. I am writing this because these may be the only wise words I ever say to you.
You’re a boy now. You’ve lost your baby belly. You have exchanged your chubby thighs for spindly legs. You sleep on your own bed. Through the night. You close the door when you pee. You can write your name, and mine, draw a cat, count to 100 and eat your own food. You even dress yourself. You question me, each time I screw up. And then you forgive. You are caring. Always ready to help. Always full of life.
I’m Sorry. For…
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Taking up a challenge is not really challenging, sticking to it , invariably is..In my case its always the universe and its legion of human beings, aka..relatives, friends, bosses, cab drivers,who all seem to conspire against me, stopping me from completing the challenge .. therefore, to set the premise , I will be supremely impressed by myself If I am able to write every single day for the next 100 days.. This is therefore Me challenging Myself, to become what I refer to myself often, a writer who actually writes.
I am not sure what will happen with a laptop, a mind, deft fingers and external stimulus all coming together in a cauldron of imagination, emotions and drama when stirred slowly for the next 100 days. However, today for the first time, I don’t wish to overthink of what the outcome might be, because sometimes not knowing gives one a bigger brighter canvas to play with the unknown and create something so fabulous that you didn’t even know existed in the tiny spaces of our mind.
What I do know is that at this moment the universe and me are in alignment, I can feel myself breathe and relax because I have the grace and opportunity to spend time on Me. I am grateful that my closest friend, my soul sister is able to share my dreams and hopes with me, something I always took for granted but realize now that moments spent with people we love are tiny specks of snowflakes that can be shaken and stirred anytime by the hands of fate and time…So I have decided to spend my time now onwards, being present in these tiny moments, for the One big moment is only just a mirage..I am grateful for being a mother ;to be chosen to be a mother, to bring a life into this world is a sign that I am special. I realize that this tiny person is not mine to mould but that in fact I have been given the job to help this speck of divine light, this soul to pattern itself along its own path of learning..My child does not just bring joy to me she touches the lives of so many people around me, and has helped me mould myself into a better version of me.
I am amazed at the many forms of love in my life, at work, with a prospective partner, my friends whom I adore and who are always a phone call away.Of course, there is depravity and illness and pain around me , and yet today and hopefully for the next 100 days I am going to focus on the other side of the spectrum, and I will learn to surrender and flow towards the natural course of my life ..More importantly I will focus on my breath, the singular motion that is at the crux of my existence and of so many others..I will allow life to breathe through me and see where that single breath takes me into the future, a 100 days later, maybe I will truly be breathing in my authentic self and the journey that I begin today into the unknown would have reached a destination.
When you go away,you leave a black hole
Which seems to last forever deep within my soul
There is no light or sunshine there
pain and hopelessness finds me everywhere
I see myself through eyes unclear, misty from all the tears
the despair is for all to see, the weight of which only I seem to bear
The tears dry up slowly, the pain lingers on
I wonder if I can ever move on
from you, from us, from our shared oblivion
And yet I am here today,a little less jaded, and still unsure
of people, of feelings, of my own fears
but what I do know, is that life will go on,
people come to go away to places unknown
and yet life lingers on
from yesterday to today to tomorrow, the world revolves
I am sometimes in its center and sometimes I’m not
So letting you go wasnt my choice,
you see I never really did choose to fall in or out of love with you
And yet I did and so I am here, at the crossroads once more
wondering what turn to make that once again doesnt break
my heart or faith, which is not so fake
I think Ill wait for a sign this time from some unknown entity
maybe it will be the fictitious god or an angel which shows the way
There was only one leaf left on that tree and yet the tree seemed intent on growing and breathing, how can something so dead still yearn to bloom and live?.. so much like my heart, one that had been broken a million times, most recently a month ago and yet it waited to bloom again, to feel the emotions that I had promised I would never feel again. it takes two people to start a relationship and sometimes just one, to break it, leaving the other person grappling with the why’s and how’s.. this self-inflicted pain grows roots into the very being of one’s existence, memories that you would have thought were boxed in some corner of your mind become so much more brighter and vivid.. you even remember the soft sound of the person’s footsteps, the tone and lilt of their voice becomes sharper and clearer, much more than when you were with them in that past moment. The touch of their hand on your skin feels warmer and leave a mark not only on the epidermis of your skin ,but it reaches the veins below them too..the visceral pain , the feeling of hopelessness, the pain body engulfs you in ways that only pain that is borne out of love can. And yet, time passes, moments become longer portions of time that you are not constantly thinking about that person, because you realize that every time you’re in pain you’re further from self-love. I realize that the essence of who one is, lies not in duality of being but in the singularity of being with oneself.
just like the tree with the single leaf, you believe that, that one leaf is sign enough that the tree is alive, that there is sap running through its many veins and the roots run deep into the earth, to balance and provide support to the tree which has lost all but that one leaf. Leaflets will grow, maybe in a few days or months but the fact that the tree stands there makes me want to balance myself too. my roots lie in my resilience, my support system, my family and friends . My heart is healing because that’s what people like us do, we use our mind to fix our hearts , by observing and drawing meaning from the tree with that one leaf..
A long long time ago,a little girl somewhere took her first steps,
She holds the hands of the two people she knows best, one in who she grew , the other who helped her grow
they are her safetynet , her world and then one day they are not
she wonders what she could have done to feel like having both her arms being cut off
there is no balance and no hands to hold her from falling down
its just her all alone, but she is only just a little girl
she watches as the seasons go by, her “people” grow older and more apart
They ask her to love herself and yet they don’t play their part
she wonders what is true , what she hears or that which she sees
the world is confusing , her friends are happy and she pretends to be too
she heard somewhere “fake it till you make it”
faking to be happy, strong and content even when she cant
she is much older now and has a daughter of her own
And she watches her play in a perfect world, a daughter for whom she is the only safety net,
Hers is the only hand that her daughter can hold, the other person just didn’t care
but she decided then that she was not her lineage or will not be defined by her past
for she made a promise to herself the day she became a mother
To be the woman she was meant to be, for her little daughter
its easy to be sad, depressed or falter
its so much more difficult to remain a mad hatter
who laughs through her tears, and her fears
who learns to not close her heart to love, because how else can she ever say to her daughter
“Fall in love, open your heart and be in ecstasy”
Make mistakes and grow through them, so that you can love yourself first and then all others
because you’ll always have someone to watch your back, to walk two steps behind you and to hold your hand
especially when you falter, for that’s the time to return to love, for you and me both
And I promise as we return we are both going to be so much stronger and wiser.
for you’ll be your own saftey net, you wont ever need to wonder
for you will know that you’re stronger than you think, wiser beyond your dreams and that you’ll always fly on angel wings
As I light the Diwali diya’s this year, I think of a time , eight years ago, when there were lights around me, but all I could feel was the stifling darkness of my heart. I had just lost a child, a marriage, a job, and my sense of being in the world.. I remember walking around the colony where I lived, wondering how people could be so happy when I was not.. the lights were just not brightening my mood or my being. And yet, I didn’t think that God or the Universe was singling me out , because god didn’t really do that..Or maybe I am a hopeless optimist, who has been blessed with faith, even in the middle of a Tsunami of pain.
I think that Diwali was my bend in the road, because it made me realize that there is only just one path for me, the path of Light, everything else was only darkness and that whatever the situation right now, I was going to have to find a way that took me towards light.. And then the “light bulb” moment of truth that whatever had happened to me , Had already happened, It was Over. It wasn’t done to me, things had just happened. There was also no past to define me by and yet I could create my present that would define my future. A light-filled one at that. So eight years later, here I am, on a Diwali day once more, and this time I truly feel like a “Light-being”, someone who is intent on lighting up my moments, because I know now that my future is being lighted-up in these very moments. After all, there is just one way for me, going to wherever the light is, everything else is only darkness.
Love N Light..Always