‪#‎The100dayproject ‬#Day 1#learning to Breathe

Taking up a challenge is not really challenging, sticking to it , invariably is..In my case its always the universe and its legion of human beings, aka..relatives, friends, bosses, cab drivers,who all seem to conspire against me, stopping me from completing the challenge .. therefore, to set the premise , I will be supremely impressed by myself If I am able to write every single day for the next 100 days.. This is therefore Me challenging Myself, to become what I refer to myself often, a writer who actually writes.

I am not sure what will happen with a laptop, a mind, deft fingers and external stimulus all coming together in a cauldron of imagination, emotions and drama when stirred slowly for the next 100 days. However, today for the first time, I don’t wish to overthink of what the outcome might be, because sometimes not knowing gives one a bigger brighter canvas to play with the unknown and create something so fabulous that you didn’t even know existed in the tiny spaces of our mind.

What I do know is that at this moment the universe and me are in alignment, I can feel myself breathe and relax because I have the grace and opportunity to spend time on Me. I am grateful that my closest friend, my soul sister is able to share my dreams and hopes with me, something I always took for granted but realize now that moments spent with people we love are tiny specks of snowflakes that can be shaken and stirred anytime by the hands of fate and time…So I have decided to spend my time now onwards, being present in these tiny moments, for the One big moment is only just a mirage..I am grateful for being a mother ;to be chosen to be a mother, to bring a life into this world is a sign that I am special. I realize  that this tiny person is not mine to mould but that in fact I have been given the job to help this speck of divine light, this soul to pattern itself along its own path of learning..My child does not just bring joy to me she touches the lives of so many people around me, and has helped me mould myself into a better version of me.

I am amazed at the many forms of love in my life, at work, with a prospective partner, my friends whom I adore and who are always a phone call away.Of course, there is depravity and illness and pain around me , and yet today and hopefully for the next 100 days I am going to focus on the other side of the spectrum, and I will learn to surrender and flow towards the natural course of my life ..More importantly I will focus on my breath, the singular motion that is at the crux of  my existence and of so many others..I will allow life to breathe through me and see where that single breath takes me into the future, a 100 days later, maybe I will truly be breathing in my authentic self and the journey that I begin today into the unknown would have reached a destination.

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The Circle Of Life

When you go away,you leave a black hole
Which seems to last forever deep within my soul
There is no light or sunshine there
pain and hopelessness finds me everywhere
I see myself through eyes unclear, misty from all the tears
the despair is for all to see, the weight of which only I seem to bear
The tears dry up slowly, the pain lingers on
I wonder if I can ever move on
from you, from us, from our shared oblivion
And yet I am here today,a little less jaded, and still unsure
of people, of feelings, of my own fears
but what I do know, is that life will go on,
people come to go away to places unknown
and yet life lingers on
from yesterday to today to tomorrow, the world revolves
I am sometimes in its center and sometimes I’m not
So letting you go wasnt my choice,
you see I never really did choose to fall in or out of love with you
And yet I did and so I am here, at the crossroads once more
wondering what turn to make that once again doesnt break
my heart or faith, which is not so fake
I think Ill wait for a sign this time from some unknown entity
maybe it will be the fictitious god or an angel which shows the way

I can see clearly now!!! bit by bit

Pam Grout and I seem to be on the same page when it comes to our choice of our current reads, for we both are in the middle of the  book ” I can see Clearly Now” by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Dr. Dyer is a man , who has proved to be my soul’s guide in the real world.. His books, talks, quotes have come to me at times when my soul needed the most to find out the Why’s and How’s and especially the Why Not’s of my life?

So while I read the book , i find myself wanting to look and see things differently , to become the observer of my own life’s movie..and I want to enjoy the show too as I join the dots to my very eventful life… When I look at all that has happened to me or is happening to me now, I see a  big , giant mesh and yet, I can see the single thread that has created the mesh, and funnily  enough, it is me who has  been holding the free end of the thread, the whole time(atleast from the time I was 10 and thinking)..As I watch the movie of my life so far, I see love as a recurrent theme, love in many forms from different people, family, friends,even some relatives, my child and I also see despair, but then love takes over and things somehow are OK…mind you, it was horrible to go through the phase then , but its OK now… in my movie there have been villains and vamps,drama and intrigue, heartbreak ,comedy and romance , and while this was happening , they were making me into who I am today.. And that’s my AHA moment, if the events of my past make me what I am now, what I choose to think, feel and do  today will finally become my future self too.. and If i can see that clearly now, I think I’ve managed to gain the greatest insight from Dr. Dyer’s book..

BTW you should read the book to find out what you’re meant to see clearly.. I was especially kicked by the mind-body experiments in the book..so that’s on my to-try List now..wish me luck

My Daughter– My Friend, My Teacher

mom n daughte

I was on an official call @9.30 PM, well past my 6 year old’s bedtime and yet she was awake, while I tried to reason with her on the logic of sleeping , with her grandfather reading out her bedtime story. So she looks at me and tells me that she would sleep only with me around and it didn’t really matter whether I was taking a call , what mattered to her ,was my presence and the knowledge that I was around..And I acquiesced to her little person point of view, which is as simple as doing things which make her “Happy“; ego hassles, a better prospect , reason, does not really stand a chance to the choices of her little big heart..

Being a single mom, I find myself second guessing a lot, While Indian society has now made some adjustments to include divorces and single parent’s in its embrace, there is much left to be done in terms of perceptions. Frankly, I’ve never bothered about perceptions, If I did I would have probably not taken the first step towards becoming free from a terrible married life, but I do wonder about how it has impacted my kid.

I have always worried about providing for her, but lately I’ve begun to realize that she has come with a mission of her own, In her little mind she is a princess who deserves only the best and while the rest of us our battling with the theories of the Law of Attraction, she’s already set her intention and effortlessly manifested what is best for her.. So maybe its the other way around, I go where her life takes her, and since that little insight , pointed out by a spiritually oriented friend, life’s been a little easier to manage.

While she is only 6, my daughter, has taught me to nurture my inner child by letting go and having fun, not just once in a while but everyday.Through her many illnesses and her tenacity she has made me resilient. In her world “Hope” is not a word to fall back on but strong intention is..her child like curiosity and her ability to love unconditionally has been an elixir to all who know her, me the most.

She makes me want to be a better person, she has made me get help when I was falling apart because of all the negative emotions ; I wanted to make only happy memories with her and being depressed wasn’t the way to get that done. She tells me how she loves me the way I am, in her eyes I am perfect and getting healthier everyday, and I do.I exercise because I want to run around the park with her, looking good is just an added advantage. She tells me that she  used to get sad when other children spoke about their father, but then she tells the very kids, that she is super lucky, she has a superwoman for her mother, that her mother is also her father, you see, she goes to work and takes care of home too..And she acknowledges her father who abandoned her and wishes him the best.. It’s because of her that I could finally let go all the hurt and pain that her father caused me, how could I pretend to hate her origin and still say that I am loving to her, she was the reason I healed..

I am grateful today that she chose me as her mother and I promise her that I will become the best I can be , as a woman, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend  and most of all as a Mother, after all I have the best teacher to learn from– My six year old “daughter friend”( as she likes to call herself) ..

Pieces of Me

Is it really a dilemma or something that my mind conjures?
I want to feel complete, by picking up and adding pieces to my artwork
Sometimes its the pebbles that are thrown my way , sometimes its the feathers
Most of the time, they are shards of my broken dreams.

I spend too much time making a patchwork of my life
But the patchwork quilt doesnt quite keep me warm
I am still sleepless and searching
Maybe its time to start collecting newer gems lying on the sands of my idyllic beach
Maybe then, I can lie down on the warm sand and finally fall asleep