‪#‎The100dayproject ‬#Day 1#learning to Breathe

Taking up a challenge is not really challenging, sticking to it , invariably is..In my case its always the universe and its legion of human beings, aka..relatives, friends, bosses, cab drivers,who all seem to conspire against me, stopping me from completing the challenge .. therefore, to set the premise , I will be supremely impressed by myself If I am able to write every single day for the next 100 days.. This is therefore Me challenging Myself, to become what I refer to myself often, a writer who actually writes.

I am not sure what will happen with a laptop, a mind, deft fingers and external stimulus all coming together in a cauldron of imagination, emotions and drama when stirred slowly for the next 100 days. However, today for the first time, I don’t wish to overthink of what the outcome might be, because sometimes not knowing gives one a bigger brighter canvas to play with the unknown and create something so fabulous that you didn’t even know existed in the tiny spaces of our mind.

What I do know is that at this moment the universe and me are in alignment, I can feel myself breathe and relax because I have the grace and opportunity to spend time on Me. I am grateful that my closest friend, my soul sister is able to share my dreams and hopes with me, something I always took for granted but realize now that moments spent with people we love are tiny specks of snowflakes that can be shaken and stirred anytime by the hands of fate and time…So I have decided to spend my time now onwards, being present in these tiny moments, for the One big moment is only just a mirage..I am grateful for being a mother ;to be chosen to be a mother, to bring a life into this world is a sign that I am special. I realize  that this tiny person is not mine to mould but that in fact I have been given the job to help this speck of divine light, this soul to pattern itself along its own path of learning..My child does not just bring joy to me she touches the lives of so many people around me, and has helped me mould myself into a better version of me.

I am amazed at the many forms of love in my life, at work, with a prospective partner, my friends whom I adore and who are always a phone call away.Of course, there is depravity and illness and pain around me , and yet today and hopefully for the next 100 days I am going to focus on the other side of the spectrum, and I will learn to surrender and flow towards the natural course of my life ..More importantly I will focus on my breath, the singular motion that is at the crux of  my existence and of so many others..I will allow life to breathe through me and see where that single breath takes me into the future, a 100 days later, maybe I will truly be breathing in my authentic self and the journey that I begin today into the unknown would have reached a destination.

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The Tree with One Leaf

leaf

There was only one leaf left on that tree and yet the tree seemed intent on growing and breathing, how can something so dead still yearn to bloom and live?.. so much like my heart, one that had been broken a million times, most recently a month ago and yet it waited to bloom again, to feel the emotions that I had promised I would never feel again. it takes two people to start a relationship and sometimes just one, to break it, leaving the other person grappling with the why’s and how’s.. this self-inflicted pain grows roots into the very being of one’s existence, memories that you would have thought were boxed in some corner of your mind become so much more brighter and vivid.. you even remember the soft sound of the person’s footsteps, the tone and lilt of their voice becomes sharper and  clearer, much more than when you were with them in that past moment. The touch of their hand on your skin feels warmer and leave a mark not only on the epidermis of your skin ,but it reaches the veins below them too..the visceral pain , the feeling of hopelessness, the pain body engulfs you in ways that only pain that is borne out of love can. And yet, time passes, moments become longer portions of time that you are not constantly thinking about that person, because you realize that every time you’re in pain you’re further from self-love. I realize that the essence of who one is, lies not in duality of being but in the singularity of being with oneself.

just like the tree with the single leaf, you believe that, that one leaf is sign enough that the tree is alive, that there is sap running through its many veins and the roots run deep into the earth, to balance and provide support to the tree which has lost all but that one leaf. Leaflets will grow, maybe in a few days or months but the fact that the tree stands there makes me want to balance myself too. my roots lie in my resilience, my support system, my family and friends . My heart is healing because that’s what people like us do, we use our mind to fix our hearts , by observing and drawing meaning from the tree with that one leaf..

To Love or not to Love: that is almost never a question?

Love , is probably the most celebrated word in the human dictionary, perhaps that one English word which joins the whole of the cosmos together…wherever one is , they would probably have used this word to express their feelings to that special person by saying “ I love you”.. LOVE ,The word that has the power to bridge chiasms and creates so many more.

Love gives you the freedom to acknowledge the being that you are and wanting to share your essence with someone else. And yet love or love’s evil twin almost begins to coexist. Love is confusing, it can cause angst, it can make a poet out of the most cynical and yet we all crave to experience that feeling that defies all logic.

Meeting someone, interacting with them, feeling and experiencing togetherness,  for a cynic like Me, I’ve  almost always seen people literally fall in love and fall so deep into the abysss that they almost never rise again. I’ve been making a joke out of the situation for as long as I can remember now, hoping that somehow someone would prove me wrong.. you do meet the occasional “forever in love” couples but then they are like islands .

And then that cynical “Me” happens to meet someone or rather connect with someone and that person makes you laugh, and speak your mind and makes you want to take second chances .

The skeptical “Me” finds herself being a lot more patient and happy and smiling a lot or rather grinning through boring work meetings. She is kinder, lovelier and she glows. Am I then in Love?

By the definition of romantic love, definitely not, but I am in love with myself and the world around me and maybe that’s the kind of love that I have been always been looking for, one that extends beyond the two people to everyone in their orbit.. and that’s the kind of love that I want to fall in..and maybe just maybe , it will also have a fair bit of romance to pep things up.. till then I happy to be still confused J

The One

When I was a little girl, I got introduced to the “One”

He was the prince in Cinderella , in Snowhite and also in Rapunzel, The knight in a shining armour on an even shinier horse

An image so indented in the minds of little girls like you and me

The message was clear, we women needed to be rescued more often than not

Not to worry, there was always going to be a knight in shining armor to rescue us from ourselves at the right moment

And then we grew up!! And Life Happened

We realized we made mistakes, some knowingly, some unknowingly, mostly because we were gullible, or tired and because we thought we were in true love

So we go into that space of mourning, much like the tower in which Rapunzel was in or tried sleeping off the depression a- la Snow-white

All the while waiting for the prince to walk in and waltz us out of the pain, kiss us and bring us back to a happy place

That never happened, it can never happen, the prince perhaps got overwhelmed by all our expectations of him and simply rode off on his white horse

To save somebody from their own self isn’t such an easy task, and the prince is only just a man

With his own issues, and stress and friends and life, He has no time to fix you up,

So maybe it isn’t a bad idea to fix yourself up, even if it’s always going to be at a work in progress stage

It takes courage, and faith, lots of humour and a great group of friends and a very happy and stable significant other (not a requisite) to make us a better version of Us

Atleast at the end of it you know who the real “One” is and that this  one is always with you, in you and that  you never ever have to stay alone at the lighthouse , waiting to be rescued by someone who does not even exists.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can see clearly now!!! bit by bit

Pam Grout and I seem to be on the same page when it comes to our choice of our current reads, for we both are in the middle of the  book ” I can see Clearly Now” by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Dr. Dyer is a man , who has proved to be my soul’s guide in the real world.. His books, talks, quotes have come to me at times when my soul needed the most to find out the Why’s and How’s and especially the Why Not’s of my life?

So while I read the book , i find myself wanting to look and see things differently , to become the observer of my own life’s movie..and I want to enjoy the show too as I join the dots to my very eventful life… When I look at all that has happened to me or is happening to me now, I see a  big , giant mesh and yet, I can see the single thread that has created the mesh, and funnily  enough, it is me who has  been holding the free end of the thread, the whole time(atleast from the time I was 10 and thinking)..As I watch the movie of my life so far, I see love as a recurrent theme, love in many forms from different people, family, friends,even some relatives, my child and I also see despair, but then love takes over and things somehow are OK…mind you, it was horrible to go through the phase then , but its OK now… in my movie there have been villains and vamps,drama and intrigue, heartbreak ,comedy and romance , and while this was happening , they were making me into who I am today.. And that’s my AHA moment, if the events of my past make me what I am now, what I choose to think, feel and do  today will finally become my future self too.. and If i can see that clearly now, I think I’ve managed to gain the greatest insight from Dr. Dyer’s book..

BTW you should read the book to find out what you’re meant to see clearly.. I was especially kicked by the mind-body experiments in the book..so that’s on my to-try List now..wish me luck

My Daughter– My Friend, My Teacher

mom n daughte

I was on an official call @9.30 PM, well past my 6 year old’s bedtime and yet she was awake, while I tried to reason with her on the logic of sleeping , with her grandfather reading out her bedtime story. So she looks at me and tells me that she would sleep only with me around and it didn’t really matter whether I was taking a call , what mattered to her ,was my presence and the knowledge that I was around..And I acquiesced to her little person point of view, which is as simple as doing things which make her “Happy“; ego hassles, a better prospect , reason, does not really stand a chance to the choices of her little big heart..

Being a single mom, I find myself second guessing a lot, While Indian society has now made some adjustments to include divorces and single parent’s in its embrace, there is much left to be done in terms of perceptions. Frankly, I’ve never bothered about perceptions, If I did I would have probably not taken the first step towards becoming free from a terrible married life, but I do wonder about how it has impacted my kid.

I have always worried about providing for her, but lately I’ve begun to realize that she has come with a mission of her own, In her little mind she is a princess who deserves only the best and while the rest of us our battling with the theories of the Law of Attraction, she’s already set her intention and effortlessly manifested what is best for her.. So maybe its the other way around, I go where her life takes her, and since that little insight , pointed out by a spiritually oriented friend, life’s been a little easier to manage.

While she is only 6, my daughter, has taught me to nurture my inner child by letting go and having fun, not just once in a while but everyday.Through her many illnesses and her tenacity she has made me resilient. In her world “Hope” is not a word to fall back on but strong intention is..her child like curiosity and her ability to love unconditionally has been an elixir to all who know her, me the most.

She makes me want to be a better person, she has made me get help when I was falling apart because of all the negative emotions ; I wanted to make only happy memories with her and being depressed wasn’t the way to get that done. She tells me how she loves me the way I am, in her eyes I am perfect and getting healthier everyday, and I do.I exercise because I want to run around the park with her, looking good is just an added advantage. She tells me that she  used to get sad when other children spoke about their father, but then she tells the very kids, that she is super lucky, she has a superwoman for her mother, that her mother is also her father, you see, she goes to work and takes care of home too..And she acknowledges her father who abandoned her and wishes him the best.. It’s because of her that I could finally let go all the hurt and pain that her father caused me, how could I pretend to hate her origin and still say that I am loving to her, she was the reason I healed..

I am grateful today that she chose me as her mother and I promise her that I will become the best I can be , as a woman, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend  and most of all as a Mother, after all I have the best teacher to learn from– My six year old “daughter friend”( as she likes to call herself) ..