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“Vulnerably” Your’s

Being Vulnerable does not come easily to Me!

To be heard and felt, to hear and feel felt like emotions with no meaning,

Then you sailed through and entered my space and saw things which I had not been able to place,

on the very landscape of my heart and soul, and you drilled a hole,

On the fabric of my life- spread and somehow, I experienced “wholeness” once more!

I became someone who feels and expresses and is not afraid to take chances,

This is a person whom I used to know, the original Me and Myself,

I gradually begin breaking promises I had made to myself

of not being vulnerable, emotional or open to any feelings,

I don’t want to hide behind this façade anymore,

Longing to feel the sun burning my skin once more,

I’m glad you exist, even if it’s on a different plane

For through our interactions every time, there is so much I gain,

Pain is not what I have feared, it’s the explosion of joy that I don’t know how to handle

Guess what? being vulnerable still does not come naturally to Me,

Its only when I look into your eyes, which reflect the expectation of pain back to me

Even though we are both smiling at eachother in this moment now,

For you and I are overlapping spaces, torn and ravaged blue

and  Vulnerabilities is our only binding glue!

Poetic Musings

2 weeks ago, I signed up for and also attended an online poetry workshop. I have been writing poems for a few years , however, have never really understood the nuances of the genre , the way probably a student of literature would. Hence the workshop. I do now know certain nuances , such as the use of metaphors, how subtlety is the benchmark of good poetry, etc. However, at the end of the workshop, I am still struggling to understand what makes a poem a good poem or even a masterpiece. Is it the play of words, the imagery that the words can create or is it the emotions that are evoked in the reader? I might never know the answers but I’d love to hear your comments on the 3 poems that I wrote as part of that session. Here is the first of those poems, one that uses Metaphors and is titled

Clocking Time

The grandfather clock ticks away! day after day, everyday ,
it doesn't stop to listen to the baby gurgling, or the toddler screaming 
indifferent to the many sounds of  angst and ecstasy!

the small hand of the clock controlling every hour of our lives
the big hand, a mere spectator to the brevity of those moments lived
the silent ticking of the pendulum,
  a call to take a second of respite!
from life, from living, from only "just existing"

I did try to stop time once, held the hands of the clock in my own calloused ones
and that is when the Townclock  chimed somewhere, faraway!

Himalayan Sunshine

My thoughts are varied, short and yet deep

Some written and several waiting to be written

Undefined by the many inhibitions

Unwritten emotions, fears, joys, tribulations and victories, struggling to emerge through the layer of fog

Waiting for the sunrays to touch the frozen peaks of my imagination

And change the hues of my soul from purple to orange and finally to a golden yellow

I am wrestling with the noise in the valleys of my mind

From people mostly, about relationships largely, the hum of my daily existence

And in that moment as I stand to capture the sunrise, I see the clouds part

The Sun fights through the darkness, illuminating the path strewn by broken promises and unrequited love

In the sunlight, the glasses reflect only the lessons learnt from endings and the joys of new beginnings

And I know in that moment, my own “sun” has always been around, especially in the darkest winter months

Waiting for me to wake up at dawn, to witness my own “Sun”rise

And even though there will be a sunset later, I know now that the Sun is not far behind

Desperately Frustrated

I am inspired to do better, desperation sets in when I am stalled

I am inspired to be the flame, desperate when all it does is rain

Pic courtesy: A.J. Juliani

I am frustrated when you don’t want me to think, desperate for the freedom to string sentences that speak volumes

I am frustrated when you box me up and put a label my existence, for I am desperately still seeking the real Me

I am frustrated when my sex determines my potential, so desperate to break the chains that define a good girl

I am frustrated when you see just my body, for I am desperate to show you that I am more than just these flesh and bones

I am frustrated when you sympathise with me , desperate for you to empathise with me instead

I am frustrated when you think when I express myself, I am hormonal, desperate for you to know that my uterus and brain are two separate entities

Instead Inspire me, make me desperate to want to create a brand New version of me, a version that is comfortable in her skin, not frustrated because of the layers of ambiguity I have had to put on

I am not a role, We are not role-playing, I am not just an employee, your mother, sister, wife, daughter, etc

Don’t get frustrated when I challenge the status-quo, because thats when desperation sets in

For we now realize that the sky is the limit for all of us , and now we are desperate for the wings to fly

So dear friend, boss, brother, father, and husband, help me desperately fight against my daily frustrations, hear me out, guide me, but don’t think for a moment that just because I am frustrated I am desperate too.

For I know now, that I live to be one with who I am, and nothing will change that for me, now or ever, and we are all going to live happily ever after!!

For it’s really the oxygen from the frustration that has flamed my desperation to be all that I could and should have been.

Bold, brave, kind, courageous and unapologetically ME!

Who are you?

Hey you, yes you, the lady in yellow the one who thinks that no one notices her

Well, I don’t just notice you, I see you, I feel you

I am who you are, I reside in the lacuna of your thoughts, the crevices of your soul, in the breath of your sigh

Today you feel like the world is ending, your world is at least, and yet you answer the phone with a smile, because you are the best wife, or employee or friend or whatever role you are acting out in that moment

Your heart feels like a barren land, and yet you open yourself to give love, the reservoir depleting itself, to fill the life of others

With love that was yours to give to yourself, to bask in the glory of being yourself, and yet you expend it away hoping that someone realizes the bounty, that is You

Your eyes dream of a better you, a thinner you, a smarter, prettier you, and you forget to look into the eyes of a child who thinks you are perfect just the way you are

You spend money on lotions and clothes and yet your spirit withers away a little every time you exchange the old You for a newer version

Did you forget that you are precious even though you are not a commodity and you can’t be exchanged or disposed of?

What are you afraid of Woman?

Of what you are capable of if you don’t pretend to be someone else

Of being powerful like Durga or as gentle as Mother Mary if you only allowed yourself to swim in the river of your own felinity?

Are you afraid of being judged for being honest? Well, would it feel worse than the self -derogation that you put yourself through every time you compare yourself to another woman in the room?

Are you afraid of not being loved by a man or a woman? Do you equate all love with romantic love, do you need the validation that will never be enough because the person you want love from, does not even love themselves, how will they carry the burden of loving you as well?

You take a deep breath now, as we notice eachother, for a split second, have you finally heard me? I think I see you nod

And just then, the phone rings and you wake up from your restless sleep.

And I watch you and so begins another long wait, for you to sleep again,

For  You to wake up to who you really are.

Depression is a bar of chocolate

Depression is a bar of chocolate And so many other things too

It’s the cloud above my head that refuses to let the sun shine through

It’s the constant companion of doom, a grey fog that refuses to let go of me and fills every area of my being

It’s the projector in my mind that shows images of what “could have been”

It’s the voice of non-reason and yet in that moment it makes sense

I want to be able to tell people I am not okay when they call to ask me how I am doing and yet I can’t

Only because I would hate for them to tell me that I am stronger than this

What is this? I ask

This thing that I am supposed to be much stronger than, holds me in its iron grip, and I can’t run faster or farther enough to be able to get away from it

So no I am not stronger than this thing!! maybe I never will be

I am not weak either, just very down, because I am led to believe that everyone else besides me leads a perfect life

And sometimes they do, most of the times they pretend

So instead of telling me to be grateful for what I have, tell me how grateful you are to have me in your life

Tell me that youre having challenges too and yet you are grateful for the small acts of beauty and grace in your lives

That would give me hope and sometimes that is all I need to feel stronger than I am !!

Happy We “own our own” day

I don’t want a day of my own, I want to own all of my days!

I want to be able to experience equality not hear during Television debates that we are equals

If we are, I wonder why I get paid lesser than you or why do I get passed on for promotions or why I will be good at client management, only because I am a woman

If we are, why is it that I am sitting at the pediatrician’s office and the PTA, because you couldn’t get out of that very important meeting?

If we are, then why is it that single women and esp. single mothers are thought of as defective while you, the single man, is desirable

If we are, Why do I have to plan the party, manage the guests, while you are responsible for sending out all the invitations?

If we are, why do I have to be responsible for everybody’s good mood, yours and my parents included, while you get to say what you want, to whomever you want to?

If we are, then why do I have to be grateful to be married to a man who helps with the kids and does the dishes? Is it because you did something beyond the boundaries of your gender?

I don’t need special seats on the bus, I need a seat at the boardroom

I don’t need for you to open the doors for me, if you do, it should be only because you’re chivalrous not because I am needy

I don’t need you to save me, I need you to understand that saving me is not your job, its only my own, I only need you to give me the space to be able to that

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for all that you do for, as my father, brother, lover, boss and my colleague

In all these capacities you all enrich my life, for which I am grateful,

And yet, I don’t need you to make me feel grateful for the special gestures because that would mean that I need to be treated differently

I don’t need for you to patronize me, I need you to be my patron, as I live my life as another fellow human being

Someone who can just be, just live life on her own terms, make the same mistakes as you do and then learn from them

Someone who is not judged by her clothes, her body, her marital status, her chromosomes

Someone who is not different from you, but is just Another You, only dressed differently in a sari, skirt or trousers

I understand our anatomical differences and I am mindful of that, but our brains don’t differ, I can love Math and Science too and detest all things artsy

I , thank you for your wishes on Women’s day, but hey, we don’t need a special day to feel special because we are special every day, and your job is to remind us just that, in moments when we forget

And not because I am a woman and you’re a man, and it’s your job to make us feel special but only because that’s what friends, family, and lovers do

Stand with us, stand for us, and treat us as your equals and help us Own all of our days in our own Unique wayinternational-women-s-day-pink-background_23-2147537899

“Moma”holic

You don’t SEE me, for on most days you only see- through Me

what you don’t seem to do is RECOGNIZE me- the woman in your team

To you I am the face of gender inclusion, a”Need-t0″ and not a “Must- Have”!

I am also a Mother, and you  believe that my brain probably fell -off, with the placenta at the time of birthing

Why else would you de-value me? Act as if its a favor and a blessing that I still have a job

Oh yes! I do prioritize my child’s need;

No, I don’t de-prioritize my work to be a good mother

What I do instead is learn to re-prioritize my work and life

I do 8 hours worth of work in 6 hours or less because I won’t take those networking and gossipy tea breaks

I will not worry about who gets the next promotion or watch Youtube at work, just because I have to pretend that I am physically present at work

Yes, I might not be able to attend few of the midnight conference calls on some nights, but you know that I will start early the next day and deliver everything that you will need for your next meeting

When you appreciate my work by  sending a simple Thank- you email, it makes my work week, but I don’t appreciate it when you don’t bother to let others know that the you had help from me on that critical deliverable

I appreciate feedback, in fact, that’s what makes me feel important because I realize then, that you have been paying attention to my work and that you’re invested in my progress at work

I appreciate it, even more, when that feedback is backed up by real facts, data, and figures and is not purely based on your perception of my situational constraints

I am not weak because I am a mother who also works

In fact, being a mother makes me stronger -intellectually, mentally and intuitively

I am better at managing my time and focussed on getting things done

I am also more committed to my work, work that I love on most days, because now I have greater responsibilities and mostly because I want to be a role model for my child

I  don’t want your sympathy, I wasn’t hit by a meteor

What I need  from you is acknowledgment, for both my potential and drawbacks

I need you to tell me How better I can contribute to the team, and then have faith in me that I will do my best because  I have always held myself accountable to my work

I need you to believe that my brain did not get dislodged during the pregnancy,

It’s still at its right place and is now functioning in ways that almost makes me believe that I have  super-powers

And this super-woman is happy to work for You, for the team, the organization and most importantly for herself

because you see this woman in your team is actually a closeted “Momma-holic”

Hello 2017:Feeling 20, looking 17

It’s that time of the year, in fact the very last day of the year and like most people I am not at a disco partying or even at a house party. Well it’s by choice and I am perfectly happy being in this space, where everything comes back to Me…2016 was the year when I wanted to be able to stop enabling my own pain and well in the most amazing, unplanned way the plan just fell into place. I almost did get myself to the brink of the pain abyss and yet something or someone pulled me out of the edge at the last minute. And tonight I want to thank those physical beings whom I know as my circle of friends and my family and the ethereal beings whose presence I have felt, esp. at the loneliest times. 2016 BTW was instrumental in re-introducing me to the most awesome person I have met , someone who is strong yet vulnerable, has a big heart and a non-judgmental mind, and that person was right within me, all along, just that I was so busy looking for company elsewhere, that I didn’t really meet the real “Me” until the very moment that there was no one else but Me, Myself and I .Boy and am I amazed at how amazing I am? Absolutely. I do love myself, not in the narcissistic way, but definitely in a manner which says ” you’re a human being, you are flawed, you make mistakes , and yet you own them, you work through them and most of the time you find your way out of the pain, and for that I love you”. It took me most of my 20’s and a major part of my 30’s to figure this one out.. I am “Me”, I am my own person and I am just fine with who I am. I am open to suggestions but only when they come from a place of love, nothing else will do for me, Not Now, Not Ever!

2017 is also the year  in which  I will turn 40, don’t really have a witty slogan like naughty at 40 to ascribe to, but I do have a few things on my mind. Things such as

  • I will continue to Run -towards a healthier, stronger and much fitter version of me. I will not care about the number of races I run, what timings I make. I will care about the act of running which makes me feel invincible, and that’s worth quite a lot to me.
  • I will lessen my daily commute: so perhaps I need to be doing something that allows me to do that
  • I will  travel to New destinations-Alone, with my kid and with my friends
  • I am going to put my thoughts on paper and hopefully on a website too
  • I will read more books than just hoard them: 1 book per week is going to be my targer
  • I will manage my finances and I will stop saying how much I hate doing that, I cannot love money and not know how to manage it
  • I will respect my boundaries and will have no-one break the inner sanctum
  • I will allow love of the romantic kinds to enter my life, through books and poetry, movies and people and yet I will not be consumed by it
  • I will get to know myself a bit more, I will be kind to myself and I will trust my intuition
  • I will meet new people and continue to enjoy the company of old friends
  • I will find and do the work that not only sustains me but one which I love and which allows me to travel and meet new people.
  • I will listen to my kind of music, classical, jazz and contemporary and dance to most of it
  • In moments of doubt, I will remember what Oprah, Liz Gilbert and Glenon Doyle Melton said, I will “be Still” and wait the next step to reveal itself and I will trust in that moment
  • I will sleep and rest and exercise better
  • I will be unapologetic about my eccentricities because that’s part of my awesomeness too 🙂
  • I will enjoy my solitude, and look for ways to not feel lonely but I will be ok doing absolutely nothing on some days
  • I will be a better listener to all that my kid has to say, listen to her, not just hear her out, I will look in her eyes and be present when she is talking to me, and I will not be looking at my phone or laptop when we are together. I want to gift her and myself the present moment.
  • and I am going to be grateful and happy or at least less sad in 2017, because hey, in the end nothing else matters

When you’re almost done at work and with work — girllostatwork

You know its time to move on from where you work , when you have a really important presentation to give the next day at yet, you do everything else but work on that presentation. this is what i did, spoke to friends I hadn’t spoken to in over a month, paid mundane bills, made […]

via When you’re almost done at work and with work — girllostatwork

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