Depression is a bar of chocolate

Depression is a bar of chocolate And so many other things too

It’s the cloud above my head that refuses to let the sun shine through

It’s the constant companion of doom, a grey fog that refuses to let go of me and fills every area of my being

It’s the projector in my mind that shows images of what “could have been”

It’s the voice of non-reason and yet in that moment it makes sense

I want to be able to tell people I am not okay when they call to ask me how I am doing and yet I can’t

Only because I would hate for them to tell me that I am stronger than this

What is this? I ask

This thing that I am supposed to be much stronger than, holds me in its iron grip, and I can’t run faster or farther enough to be able to get away from it

So no I am not stronger than this thing!! maybe I never will be

I am not weak either, just very down, because I am led to believe that everyone else besides me leads a perfect life

And sometimes they do, most of the times they pretend

So instead of telling me to be grateful for what I have, tell me how grateful you are to have me in your life

Tell me that youre having challenges too and yet you are grateful for the small acts of beauty and grace in your lives

That would give me hope and sometimes that is all I need to feel stronger than I am !!

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Happy We “own our own” day

I don’t want a day of my own, I want to own all of my days!

I want to be able to experience equality not hear during Television debates that we are equals

If we are, I wonder why I get paid lesser than you or why do I get passed on for promotions or why I will be good at client management, only because I am a woman

If we are, why is it that I am sitting at the pediatrician’s office and the PTA, because you couldn’t get out of that very important meeting?

If we are, then why is it that single women and esp. single mothers are thought of as defective while you, the single man, is desirable

If we are, Why do I have to plan the party, manage the guests, while you are responsible for sending out all the invitations?

If we are, why do I have to be responsible for everybody’s good mood, yours and my parents included, while you get to say what you want, to whomever you want to?

If we are, then why do I have to be grateful to be married to a man who helps with the kids and does the dishes? Is it because you did something beyond the boundaries of your gender?

I don’t need special seats on the bus, I need a seat at the boardroom

I don’t need for you to open the doors for me, if you do, it should be only because you’re chivalrous not because I am needy

I don’t need you to save me, I need you to understand that saving me is not your job, its only my own, I only need you to give me the space to be able to that

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for all that you do for, as my father, brother, lover, boss and my colleague

In all these capacities you all enrich my life, for which I am grateful,

And yet, I don’t need you to make me feel grateful for the special gestures because that would mean that I need to be treated differently

I don’t need for you to patronize me, I need you to be my patron, as I live my life as another fellow human being

Someone who can just be, just live life on her own terms, make the same mistakes as you do and then learn from them

Someone who is not judged by her clothes, her body, her marital status, her chromosomes

Someone who is not different from you, but is just Another You, only dressed differently in a sari, skirt or trousers

I understand our anatomical differences and I am mindful of that, but our brains don’t differ, I can love Math and Science too and detest all things artsy

I , thank you for your wishes on Women’s day, but hey, we don’t need a special day to feel special because we are special every day, and your job is to remind us just that, in moments when we forget

And not because I am a woman and you’re a man, and it’s your job to make us feel special but only because that’s what friends, family, and lovers do

Stand with us, stand for us, and treat us as your equals and help us Own all of our days in our own Unique wayinternational-women-s-day-pink-background_23-2147537899

“Moma”holic

You don’t SEE me, for on most days you only see- through Me

what you don’t seem to do is RECOGNIZE me- the woman in your team

To you I am the face of gender inclusion, a”Need-t0″ and not a “Must- Have”!

I am also a Mother, and you  believe that my brain probably fell -off, with the placenta at the time of birthing

Why else would you de-value me? Act as if its a favor and a blessing that I still have a job

Oh yes! I do prioritize my child’s need;

No, I don’t de-prioritize my work to be a good mother

What I do instead is learn to re-prioritize my work and life

I do 8 hours worth of work in 6 hours or less because I won’t take those networking and gossipy tea breaks

I will not worry about who gets the next promotion or watch Youtube at work, just because I have to pretend that I am physically present at work

Yes, I might not be able to attend few of the midnight conference calls on some nights, but you know that I will start early the next day and deliver everything that you will need for your next meeting

When you appreciate my work by  sending a simple Thank- you email, it makes my work week, but I don’t appreciate it when you don’t bother to let others know that the you had help from me on that critical deliverable

I appreciate feedback, in fact, that’s what makes me feel important because I realize then, that you have been paying attention to my work and that you’re invested in my progress at work

I appreciate it, even more, when that feedback is backed up by real facts, data, and figures and is not purely based on your perception of my situational constraints

I am not weak because I am a mother who also works

In fact, being a mother makes me stronger -intellectually, mentally and intuitively

I am better at managing my time and focussed on getting things done

I am also more committed to my work, work that I love on most days, because now I have greater responsibilities and mostly because I want to be a role model for my child

I  don’t want your sympathy, I wasn’t hit by a meteor

What I need  from you is acknowledgment, for both my potential and drawbacks

I need you to tell me How better I can contribute to the team, and then have faith in me that I will do my best because  I have always held myself accountable to my work

I need you to believe that my brain did not get dislodged during the pregnancy,

It’s still at its right place and is now functioning in ways that almost makes me believe that I have  super-powers

And this super-woman is happy to work for You, for the team, the organization and most importantly for herself

because you see this woman in your team is actually a closeted “Momma-holic”

Hello 2017:Feeling 20, looking 17

It’s that time of the year, in fact the very last day of the year and like most people I am not at a disco partying or even at a house party. Well it’s by choice and I am perfectly happy being in this space, where everything comes back to Me…2016 was the year when I wanted to be able to stop enabling my own pain and well in the most amazing, unplanned way the plan just fell into place. I almost did get myself to the brink of the pain abyss and yet something or someone pulled me out of the edge at the last minute. And tonight I want to thank those physical beings whom I know as my circle of friends and my family and the ethereal beings whose presence I have felt, esp. at the loneliest times. 2016 BTW was instrumental in re-introducing me to the most awesome person I have met , someone who is strong yet vulnerable, has a big heart and a non-judgmental mind, and that person was right within me, all along, just that I was so busy looking for company elsewhere, that I didn’t really meet the real “Me” until the very moment that there was no one else but Me, Myself and I .Boy and am I amazed at how amazing I am? Absolutely. I do love myself, not in the narcissistic way, but definitely in a manner which says ” you’re a human being, you are flawed, you make mistakes , and yet you own them, you work through them and most of the time you find your way out of the pain, and for that I love you”. It took me most of my 20’s and a major part of my 30’s to figure this one out.. I am “Me”, I am my own person and I am just fine with who I am. I am open to suggestions but only when they come from a place of love, nothing else will do for me, Not Now, Not Ever!

2017 is also the year  in which  I will turn 40, don’t really have a witty slogan like naughty at 40 to ascribe to, but I do have a few things on my mind. Things such as

  • I will continue to Run -towards a healthier, stronger and much fitter version of me. I will not care about the number of races I run, what timings I make. I will care about the act of running which makes me feel invincible, and that’s worth quite a lot to me.
  • I will lessen my daily commute: so perhaps I need to be doing something that allows me to do that
  • I will  travel to New destinations-Alone, with my kid and with my friends
  • I am going to put my thoughts on paper and hopefully on a website too
  • I will read more books than just hoard them: 1 book per week is going to be my targer
  • I will manage my finances and I will stop saying how much I hate doing that, I cannot love money and not know how to manage it
  • I will respect my boundaries and will have no-one break the inner sanctum
  • I will allow love of the romantic kinds to enter my life, through books and poetry, movies and people and yet I will not be consumed by it
  • I will get to know myself a bit more, I will be kind to myself and I will trust my intuition
  • I will meet new people and continue to enjoy the company of old friends
  • I will find and do the work that not only sustains me but one which I love and which allows me to travel and meet new people.
  • I will listen to my kind of music, classical, jazz and contemporary and dance to most of it
  • In moments of doubt, I will remember what Oprah, Liz Gilbert and Glenon Doyle Melton said, I will “be Still” and wait the next step to reveal itself and I will trust in that moment
  • I will sleep and rest and exercise better
  • I will be unapologetic about my eccentricities because that’s part of my awesomeness too 🙂
  • I will enjoy my solitude, and look for ways to not feel lonely but I will be ok doing absolutely nothing on some days
  • I will be a better listener to all that my kid has to say, listen to her, not just hear her out, I will look in her eyes and be present when she is talking to me, and I will not be looking at my phone or laptop when we are together. I want to gift her and myself the present moment.
  • and I am going to be grateful and happy or at least less sad in 2017, because hey, in the end nothing else matters

When you’re almost done at work and with work — girllostatwork

You know its time to move on from where you work , when you have a really important presentation to give the next day at yet, you do everything else but work on that presentation. this is what i did, spoke to friends I hadn’t spoken to in over a month, paid mundane bills, made […]

via When you’re almost done at work and with work — girllostatwork

To be like a Hummingbird

To be like a hummingbird, is to be who you are,

And to not have to wonder where you are on life’s path

The path of the hummingbird is one that has yet to be carved,

For the hummingbird follows only its heart

A heart that is strong from falling apart and yet driven by curiosity it gives it one more start

For the hummingbird is a curious soul, and has no passions defined

It follows only the rhythm of its soul where “Its” passion resides

In the flow of the breeze, in the smell of the wild lilies and the gurgling of the stream

To be like a hummingbird is as simple as breathing

It means to let go of the idea of achieving everything

For sometimes its curiosity that leads to finding life’s passion(s)

Even when we meander, and go off the path,

For if we are like the hummingbird, curious and looking out for the clues

And know that in finding the pieces of the puzzle one day you will find “the You”

2016; The year in which I stop enabling my own pain

 

2016

I have spent the last year and a half enabling my own pain, a pain so acute that it takes away one’s breath, so acute is the pain that it crushes the soul especially, when all you’ve done is become ignorant of some aspects of your life. So 2016 will be the year when I begin to acknowledge that I can sometime be the cause of my own pain and that I shall and will not ever be the reason for hurting me

Trusting someone is good, but blind faith is detrimental to ones own self worth. I trusted people who then used the information to get back at me. words don’t mean a thing, even when someone gets down on one knee and speaks of fortitude .Fortitude requires faith, in a person and more than that in our own ability to become that person who can be courageous when the other person is not. Love like that happens once in a lifetime and to let it go is prolonging the longing of the soul. I hope I am able to understand why it is that if things are not meant to be, why do people or events happen in the first place. is it so important that we learn lessons every step of the way and why am I the chosen one to partake all of life’s painful lessons. 2016, perhaps will be the year where the curtain rises over the mystery of some of the painful experiences. I learned in this year that life teaches us some karmic lessons which is one in a lifetime lesson, you face it, learn from it and then move on. The lesson that gets you by your spirit are the ones that follow a pattern, say bad relationships, bad bosses, etc etc and those patterns have to be broken and thats where the real challenge is, to break patterns that seem to define us. 2016, will be the year when I finally break free of some of these.

2016 will also be the year when I wont miss anyone, I have spent my entire life missing that somebody and perhaps its just that I am missing being with myself. completeness within me , with me is what I have to find and be in this year. I am  a mother and somewhere I forgot that, I fought hard to be a perfect mother for 7 years and then I just let things be. Motherhood and being a parent is a life long contract, one that I signed willingly. Someone had to come into my life to show me that maybe I had let things slide, that I wasn’t focusing on being the parent that I should be, despite that person being a shallow human being, his words had depth.

So in 2016, my resolution is to be the person I have always been but these could be some of the milestones of my journey

  1. I am a person who loves her body, with all its flaws, the stretch marks that tells me I brought life into this world and yet I promise to cherish this body which helps me stay active and perform the myriad roles of life.
  2. I am going to run, away from societal conformation about how I should lead my life or mould myself, I will run away from negativity and people who dont make me happy. I will send them my prayers but not let them suck up my energy.
  3. I will also become the runner, signing up for Pinkathon is the first step, there are many trails to follow this year.
  4. I am going to write, even if its a word a day , I  will still write the story that is not letting me sleep, word by word, day by day, everyday in 2016
  5. I will be a great employee because I will love and cherish my work, for it sustains me financially and hopefully will sustain my soul too
  6. I will not trust people when they speak, I will watch their actions and most importantly judge them only by how they make me feel about myself, that is going to be a yardstick for all my interactions this year
  7. I am going to be truly, and not just theoretically grateful for who I am, what I have and while i will be content with what I have , I will not be content with what I am, because there is so much to learn and so much to discover about myself.Maybe i will learn to paint, or play an instrument but I will try something  out of the ordinary
  8. I am going to travel, solo, with my daughter and other mommies, nit just in my thoughts, but this time the virgin beaches will reverberate with the laughter of girl bonding and unbridled joy.
  9. I am going to unabashedly be “Me” this year and will not be ashamed of  who I am. I am a lovely child of the universe and that is enough for me to be proud about. No-one else gets to define my role in my own life, because this year I will be the director, actor and producer of my life’s very authentic movie
  10. And lastly, this will be the year when I will not enable my own pain. I will protect my heart, and trust my intuition because my heart will now walk hand in hand with my brain and my instincts and I will always keep the communication channel with myself open this year.And I will be my own and my daughters  favorite person too

This year will finally be the year of No Pain and All gains.

Happy New Beginnings Everyone